The Bitterblog

Ten MORE thoughts on relationships

2010-02-21T01:36:00.000-08:00

1. Nothing Hallmark carries will fix what is fundamentally broken.

2. The one who loves more, controls less.

3. Opposites attract, yes, but eventually its precisely that which repels one another. Sameness has longevity.

4. The brightest bulb burns out quickest.

5. Relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100.

6. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonesome.

7. Laughing till you cry is much better than crying till you laugh.

8. You should give what you get, unless you don't get what you want.

9. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

10. Always keep a chocolate bar within easy reach.

Ten thoughts on relationships

2010-02-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

1. You don't stop loving someone just because they hurt you.

2. The more you talk to people about your problems, the easier they become to eradicate.

3. You can't make someone love you if they don't.

4. In the "adult" world, children suffer most.

5. If you confide in someone about your deepest, darkest secrets, you cannot do it half-way.

6. For me, reciprocity of love AND devotion is non-negotiable.

7. Honesty really is the best policy. Hands down.

8. There may actually be something to celibacy.

9. If you desire something badly enough, you will find a way to achieve it.

10. It is much better to have only one person in your life in whom you can confide without fear, than have a hundred friends with whom you have to watch your words because they prejudge you.

Happy Inauguration Day!

2009-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

Here are some observations I had when watching the inauguration of our 44th President. These are just some things I noticed that made me go, “Hmmm…”

• The poignant shot of the outgoing moving van at the White House -- complete with boxes.

• Aretha better think ‘bout what she’s putting down her gullet.

• Yoyo Ma head banging as if he were at an AC/DC concert.

• The Chief Justice misreading the oath.

• After taking the oath as President of the Unites States, Barack kissed his wife, Michelle, on the cheek

• After the inaugural speech, Barack kissed his wife, Michelle, on the cheek.

• When escorting former President and Mrs. Bush to Executive One for their departure, G Dubya kissed Barack’s wife, Michelle, on the cheek. Marital problems? You read it here first.

• Obama, Democrat, wore a red tie. George Bush, Republican, wore a blue tie.

• Obama mentioned the non-believers in the “patchwork of the country.”

• How we made history today. Isn’t every inauguration history?

• In that wheelchair, Dick Cheney's resemblance to Mr. Burns from The Simpsons is uncanny.

• Barack Obama, when signing his first document, the Declaration of National Renewal, said, “I was told not to swipe the pen.”

Good luck, P.O. (That's President Obama to you non-hipsters.)

A Word About The New Year

2009-01-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year,

Another year has gone by and we are looking at the entrance to 2009. I hope everyone will live up to their New Year's resolutions. (A word about resolutions: I have dispensed with making the usual new year resolutions if only for the fact that it sets me up for complete and total failure. To quote a line from a Dirty Harry flick, “A man has got to know his limitations.”)

More so than any other recent year, 2009’s outlook gives us the most positive freshness. These are, by far, the four most important things that will happen this year.

• A new United States President
• A Super Bowl without the Patriots
• New small, fuel-efficient cars from US automakers
• A new album of music from yours truly

Let’s not talk about the new Prez. Plenty of people will be doing that around the web. I will leave that to the passionate. (A word about the new President: Contrary to popular belief, Obama is not an Irish name.)

Only a handful of NFL fans are disgusted with the fact New England is sitting home on February 1st, so we need not talk about that either. (A word about Bill Belichick: He led the electoral college vote over Dubya.)

A big yawn rounds out the auto industry’s promise of more fuel-efficient, hybrid cars that the public can get excited about. (A word about hybrid vehicles: They are a lot like fat chicks. They are loads of fun when you are alone but don’t let your friends see you with them.)

That leaves the last most important item on my list – my album.

I am still in the process of recording it. There have been some pitfalls and health scares surrounding it so far – I don’t want to bring you down, so email me and I will tell you all about it – but for the most part, it is going swimmingly.

As we get closer to finishing and mastering, I will divulge the album name, story behind it, and record label – so stay tuned. We have it tentatively scheduled to be released by St. Patrick’s Day. (A word about St. Patrick’s Day: It’s just another way for everyone to celebrate New Year’s Eve again.)

So, dear drunksters, I raise my glass of Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Tonic and hope you and yours have a wonderful 2009.

Update On Me

2008-10-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

I took these past five months to focus on things that matter to me in my life. We all need to do that once in a while. So, in no particular order, here are the things I have been doing:

From Both Ends Radio Show - Dr. Gomes and I have decided to go virtual with our weekly show. Response has been great, emails keep coming in, and you can catch every episode on iTunes. Just do a search for From Both Ends Radio Show and you can subscribe.

Book - I put my sequel to Bitter, Party of One waaaaay on the back burner due to the radio show. I still write notes to myself on what to include in the book, but as far as actually assembling it, that is a project scheduled for 2009.

Another Book – I have an extensive outline on a novel based on a middle-aged Jewish guy with an unhappy marriage and an obsession for a girl he only sees in a recurring dream. As much as you may think so, it is NOT autobiographical. Besides, I’m not middle-aged.

Music – This is the thing that I am focusing on the most right now. Since the hiatus of The Buzzcuts and the stagnation of The Artisan Brothers, I have decided to do something I have wanted to do for years, that is make a solo album. I have written about 25 songs and pared it down to 14. Recording has already commenced and I am looking for an early 2009 release. What type of music, you ask? Old-guy rock. Regular, old-fashioned, mainstream, simple rock. Think John Hiatt meets Tom Petty with a little schmaltz thrown in for good measure.

Family – Doing great, nothing is better than watching my little girl grow. I have an extremely supportive wife and a great group of encouraging friends to help me see my projects through to fruition.

I feel blessed.

Later.

"Oh, THERE you are."

2008-05-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. Where the hell has he been for so long?

I have been amazingly busy with work, music, writing and, most importantly, my little baby girl. She is the apple of my eye. Whatever the hell that means.

First on the home front: My baby will be a year old next week. She has two top front teeth that are growing in. The problem is that when she smiles, she looks like Sponge Bob. Cute if you are a baby, but if it stays that way I don't think she's gonna get many dates.

Second on the livelihood front: I was dismayed to discover that I feel like I missed the entire year of my little girl's life. The only thing to do to rectify that situation was to quit my job for another with less hours and more money. Not an easy feat, but due to some will of the Job-Gods, I was able to do so.

Third on the show business front: I was offered then not offered a few TV pilots. I think the Job-Gods should give a good talking to the Show-Business-Gods. They seem to be slacking.

Fourth on the media front: Dr. Manuel Gomes and I have started a radio show based on our popular From Both Ends column. You can listen to the archived shows here.

Fifth on the music front (A-side): I have put my band, The Buzzcuts, in limbo for the time being. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

Sixth on the music front (B-side): I am still trying to get The Artisan Brothers to record an album. The only thing lacking is about 10 songs.

Seventh on the health front: I started the South Beach Diet in the beginning of March. When that is done, I will eat the North Beach. I lost about 15 pounds but the stress was too much to bear. One blustery night, they found me unconscious, face down in the local Krispy Kreme.

As usual, here is my promise to try to post more often. Hopefully, with more of my time freed up, I can keep it. But, if I can't, well, you know where to find me.

New Year, New Music

2008-01-09T20:13:00.000-08:00

I want to wish everyone a healthy and a happy New Year.

What I do not want to do is post anything about the stop smoking; lose weight; get a better paying job; listen to my wife; tolerate my mother-in-law; take a painting class; buy a puppy; volunteer at a soup kitchen; clean the garage resolutions people fail to keep year after year.

What I would like to give you all is the gift of music.

I am in the lucky position where people find me on-line, laugh, and then email me just to say hi. I can’t tell you how great that is.

One such person did that. She emailed me to say how funny the ad was and wanted to wish me well. We got to chatting, and I found out she is a motorcycle riding, singer-songwriter. A kindred spirit! Two of my own passions. Imagine that.

She gave me her website address and MySpace page link. When I opened it up, she had one of her songs playing. I immediately liked it. In fact, I liked it so much I ordered one of her CDs.

Her inspiration, she says on her site, comes from Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon, John Denver and other folk artists form the ‘60s and ‘70s. I am here to tell you that her music transcends eras.

I found her style to be broader than what she let on. When listening to her “Where’s the Moon” album, I got the distinct feeling I was listening to the love child of Michael Stipe and Natalie Merchant. Throw in her stepbrother Chris Isaak and you have what I consider to be an eclectic mix of folk/acoustic rock with intelligent lyrics and hooky chorus lines like, “In the company of friends, I feel strong, in the company of friends.”

Cyndi Fisher is this woman’s name. She has all three universal attributes – she is talented, cool, and hot (on her website, and one of her songs, she thanks her mom for her butt, which I consider to be, uh, well-rounded).

www.cyndifisher.com or www.myspace.com/cyndifisher

To my darling wife: If you are reading this, I will be home to clean the garage right after I stop at the store for some Nicoderm and Hoodia.

Good News Is No News!

2007-10-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

Some items in the news recently (and my opinion about it):

News: David Copperfield was alleged to have raped a Seattle woman thereby having his Las Vegas house raided by police.
My View: David, the slogan isn't, "What happens to a Seattle woman, stays in a Seattle woman." Ah, it's all just a big trick anyway.

News: Legendary mime, Marcel Marceau, passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 84.
My View: Poor guy. He led such a quiet life.

News: NFL Roger Goodell sent a memo to all NFL teams prohibiting home team cheerleaders from parading around in front of the visitors’ sideline. He says it distracts the team.
My View: Roger just takes all the fun out of the game. Now Bill Belichick will have to video tape them.

News: Joey Bishop, one of the original members of the Rat Pack died on the 17th of October.
My View: Although long preceded by the death of his career, when it comes to the Rat Pack, Joey had the last laugh.

News: Kid Rock arrested after Waffle House brawl.
My View: You know you're getting old when… Actually I blame the establishment. They give everyone a carafe of coffee and then wonder why people are on edge when someone takes the last drop of Boysenberry syrup.

News: Researchers have identified a group of genes that not only prevent cancer but also slow the aging process in worms.
My View: PETA will be ecstatic!

First Thing First

2007-08-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Elisha Cooper wrote, quite possibly, one of the best opening lines of any book ever published: There’s a head sticking out of my best friend.

This line, from the book: Crawling: A father’s first year, is Mr. Cooper’s humorous, touching account of fatherhood in the first year of a baby’s life. I have never met the man or spoken to him, and I am not getting any endorsing fees in any way. I just wanted to tell you that this book is a wonderful read for any man about to become a father

My little girl, Prudence, was born on Saturday, June 2. Fatherhood has pretty much taken over my life with a vengeance. I quickly realized that the tiniest of things this little girl does has a bigger impact on my life than anything I used to worry about before. Things just don’t matter as much as they used to when you have a child.

“The freaking check-engine light came on in the car today,” I said as I entered the house from a long day at work. “That means I have to write a check to make the engine light turn off. Sheesh, I’m just so aggravated. Like we can afford this crap. Not to mention I don’t have the time—“

“Honey, she smiled today for the first time,” my wife interrupted.

I quickly deflated.

“Aw, really?” I said. “I want to see. Make her do it again,” as if Prudence were a circus act.

I find myself anxiously anticipating all of her many firsts as she grows from babyhood; her first smile, the first time she rolls over, her first haircut, the first time I stand before a judge for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.

It’s a long road from childhood to adulthood and I’m so glad to be along for the ride. I just hope the check-engine light doesn’t come on.

The Cheating Poem

2007-02-27T20:10:00.000-08:00

The price you pay
For the pleasures of flesh
Can be related to
The intensity of thresh

It may cost you dearly
Perhaps your life
If you were caught
With another man’s wife

But if you find
It works out
Where she manages
To divorce her lout

It won’t be him
Whom you’ll be dreading
When she says, "I do."
At your wedding.

Don't Dwell on Commorancy

2006-09-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

In answer to all the “where are you?” emails, I took a few months off to situate myself in a new home with my fiancée (Sheesh, I hate that word).

When one decides to delve into cohabitation with a lover after a few years of dating and living in separate domiciles, there will inevitably be culture shock. No matter how much you think you know the other person, you are on the wrong end of the stupid stick.

For instance, my fiancée likes a lot of pillows on the bed. I have no idea what a woman’s fascination is with tons of cloth-covered polyfill, but I have to say it borders on psychosis.

First of all, I have never been a big fan of foam pillows because they make my head bounce around like a superball on concrete, which isn’t very conducive for a restful night’s sleep. Because of all of the bouncing around during the night, I wake up with a huge headache. Once, I even got a concussion. Try explaining THAT to a doctor.

I like to sleep with one or two down pillows, with my head up near the headboard—a nearly impossible feat with a bed full of pillows. During the night I find myself sliding down the mattress and waking up with my feet sticking out of the covers at the other end of the bed. In my groggy, middle-of-the-night-where-the-hell-am-I state, I could have sworn I saw Kathy Bates standing over me ready to smash my ankles with a hammer and a two-by-four.

Another thing I had to get used to is the fact that my woman doesn’t like it when I throw out the plates and flatware after I eat. Apparently, there is something called a “dishwasher” and I should learn how to use it. She is so sarcastic sometimes. Like I don’t know what a dishwasher is. Sheesh, I had one growing up; I just called her “Ma.”

On the flip side of the coin, there are wonderful things about blending our lives. Like, I am now the proud owner of “The Magic Cupboard.” I write down what I want to eat, like Frosted Flakes or Nilla Wafers, on the refrigerator dry-erase board and a couple of days later the items magically appear in the cupboard. This alone is worth the price of nuptial admission.

This cohabitation thing will certainly take some time getting used to—like her freaking snoring, for instance—but it is a welcome challenge to figure out how to cope and compromise. It’s always good to write things down. It helps you to get a clearer picture of the harsh reality of living together, so you’re not off in some fantasy world thinking that things will iron themselves out; actually seeing your problems in writing will help you make more informed, rational decisions.

The next thing on my list is I have to figure out is how to make The Magic Cupboard get rid of all those damn pillows.

Attention please...

2006-06-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ahem. I got engaged over the weekend. I know, I know. Shut up.

The Grilled Cheese Madonna

2006-05-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

Hey kids,

Mostly, when I post something here, I try to tickle your funny bone with something humorous about everyday life. But, this time I’d thought I would share something cool instead.

Chris Cihlar, author of, “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 Other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever,” is selling the first ever copy of his book on eBay.

This book is very well written, and a total blast to read. But what’s REALLY cool is that this first ever copy has a bunch of signatures from the various people that are mentioned in the book; the one’s who have achieved fame through their own personal auctions throughout the years on eBay. To top it off, all the proceeds from the auction goes to charity.

Chris and I have been in contact for over a year regarding this book and I do have to say that “The Grilled Cheese Madonna,” should be regarded as the definitive collection of eBay wackiness (myself included). So if you are looking for an altruistic purchase, by all means bid on this book. If you cannot afford to bid on this signed original, you still owe it to yourself to pick up a regular copy.

FYI, Chris isn’t paying me a damn thing to say this. He's a talented author with a great book for a worthy cause. I wouldn’t be posting it if I didn’t feel it was worthwhile.

Just buy his damn book. (And mine, while you’re at it. :-))

VIEW THE AUCTION HERE:http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7029857479

Ciao for now,
~Larry

New Things Happening

2006-04-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to refrain from posting anything until after April Fool’s Day. I guess I was afraid I wouldn’t be taken seriously. (Insert laugh track here.)

There are a few things going on right now that I am very excited about.

The first thing is that author Chris Cihlar’s new book “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever” will be coming out in May. I received an advanced copy of the book and I have to say that, not only is it extremely entertaining, it is meticulously researched. I gotta tell you, people are freaking nuts. Pick up a copy of it. There are banners on this site for it, so check it out. (While you are at it, buy my book as well.) Kudos to you Chris!

The second thing on the list is I have gotten a lot of emails asking for a spoken word version of my book. I am very encouraged by the responses I have gotten from different record labels and people, so I am happy to say that this is in the preliminary stages and a CD version should be out later this year. I’ll keep you posted.

Last, and perhaps the thing I am most excited about, is Dr. Manuel Gomes, a licensed therapist specializing in sexual health and relationships, and I are teaming up for a new entertaining, informative and controversial advice column. It has already been picked up by a newspaper in the Pacific Northwest, and hopefully will be coming to a paper near you. More details will follow as soon as I receive them.

Motorcycle season is upon us, so I just wanna tell all you riders to keep the rubber side down.

Later,
~Larry

IS MY HUSBAND REALLY A BEAST?

2006-03-01T15:04:00.000-08:00

A SIMPLE TEST FROM EBAY’S WEDDING DRESS GUY
By Larry Star

Married women from all walks of life eventually face a crossroad in their marriage. They ask themselves, “Should I stay married to this man?”

The thing to do when this crisis arrives is assess the problem. Look at your husband’s behavior in certain situations. Does he do the things you would expect him to do? Does he measure up to what you thought a husband should be?

I have come up with a test that all married women can take to find out if the man they married is actually worth staying married to. Just write down the letter corresponding to the best answer and total your score up at the bottom of the test.

Ready? Here we go.

1. When you are both at a party where you don’t know anyone, your husband...

A. ignores you and goes to mingle with his friends.
B. introduces you to everyone and stays by your side all night.
C. has to coax you out of the closet.
D. has to somehow get you away from that young, good-looking heir to the billion-dollar shoe store fortune and get your clothes back on without causing a scene.

2. It is date night. Your husband...

A. falls asleep watching ESPN’s SportsCenter on the couch.
B. takes you out on the town—dining, dancing, drinking, and romance—all night long!
C. makes sandwiches for you, your mother and your friends for your impromptu candle party.
D. takes you to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped from all the valium and alcohol you consumed at Chippendales.

3. You decide you want a pet for your birthday. Your husband...

A. cuts out a picture of a cat.
B. surprises you at work with the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.
C. stocks up on his allergy medicine and buys a case of vacuum cleaner bags.
D. sleeps on the couch the first few nights so you can snuggle up with the jockey you took home from your birthday bash at the race track.

4. Your husband is late coming home from work. He calls...

A. you from the nudie-bar and tells you he’ll grab a bite there.
B. you twenty times, apologizing for screwing up your plans and swears he’ll make it up to you this weekend.
C. your mother to tell you he will be there as soon as he can. And he’s bringing home three new walkie-talkie cell phones—one for each of you.
D. the mall and has you paged.

5. You tell your husband you are ready for a family. He...

A. gives you Season 1 of the Sopranos on DVD.
B. makes an appointment with Planned Parenthood and starts painting the spare bedroom.
C. is elated because he knows this means he will actually have sex.
D. checks the calendar to see if the local NBA team has a home game about the time you are ovulating.

Add up your scores with A=0 points; B=2 points; C=1 point; D=3 points. See how your husband fares with the scores below.

0-4: Your husband is the stereotypical male. Your mother’s mother married one. Your mother married one, and you married one. He ain’t so bad. Suck it up.

5-10: Your husband genuinely loves you. He will be there for you no matter what. He will hold your hand and nurture you. He will help you through the tough times in your life and guide you through your maturation as a woman. But once menopause hits, you’re on your own.

11-14: Your husband is a wonderful man. He has no faults. He is the yardstick for a perfect man. Keep him at all costs. Even if it means waiting on him hand and foot, kissing the ground he walks on, and making him feel like the king that he is. You ain’t getting a better guy on the planet. He is a saint. No, really.

15: You are a bitch.
___________________________________________________
Larry Star is author of the hilarious book, Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and most recently on MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Obermann. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com.

Diet, Shmiet

2006-02-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or is Jared the Subway guy putting on a few pounds? It’s my contention that’s what happens when a regular guy gets some sort of fame—he starts putting on weight. Hell, I put on twenty pounds since the whole eBay thing. (Between you and me, that damn dress is getting a little tight.)

I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)

I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.

It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.

I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.

There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.

The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”

All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.

(Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?)

Which Bird Is Your Guy?

2006-01-03T12:43:00.000-08:00

Apes and gorillas are, physiologically, the closest animal to man. But, the closest living thing that Mother Nature has created upon which to judge the psyche of the average male is—you guessed it—the family of birds.

These fine, feathered creatures possess traits and insight to the man you are with. Just how foul is your fowl? Read below to find out which type of bird best matches your mate.

Eagle. Arguably the best looking birds out there, these majestic creatures thrive in wide open spaces. They are free-spirited, wild creatures with a zest for life. If your eagle just up and leaves you one day for the wide-open spaces of the dating world, reflect on how gorgeous he was, how much fun you’ve had with him, all the while consoling yourself with the fact that most eagles are probably gay.

Ostrich. We all know all about these flightless birds. These fast-running, somewhat homely creatures are afraid of their own shadow. While your guy might have good intentions and big dreams, he will never get anything off the ground due to fear and lack of confidence. You certainly could do better than ostrich-boy, but if you do manage to keep him around, make sure he wipes all the sand off his face before coming to bed and keep reminding yourself that someday he will make a great pair of boots and matching purse.

Lovebird. These birds mate for life. If you have one of these guys, you will never want for anything. They will dote upon you, preen you, snuggle up against you—constantly be by your side. This is a dream come true for most women. But beware. If your personality isn’t that of a love bird, too, then all of his love and affection will do nothing more than annoy the crap out of you.

Dodo. Stupid. Just plain stupid. Any woman will tell you this little known fact: They aren’t extinct.

Vulture. These birds of prey feed off of others. They are inherently scavengers that love to pick a carcass clean. You will know if you are with a vulture because he usually only comes out and circles around you whenever you get paid.

Hummingbird. Hummingbirds are the second largest family of birds in the world. They are all around us. What is unique about these birds is that they fly backwards and eat twice their body weight to survive. What this means is that you have a man that is insatiable, yet isn’t mentally mature. If your donut-eating, pseudo-adolescent flies the coup and you absolutely have to have another hummingbird, don’t worry. You can always find one of the 329 other species at the game store in the mall.

Parrot. Your friends love this guy. He’s great fun at parties, friendly, and playful. But, your friends eventually get to leave while you are stuck at home with this loud, boisterous, obnoxious beast that seems to poop only on your head.

Rooster. Probably the best mate you can find. If you have one of these—keep him. They’re prideful, easy-going and trainable. They don’t fly around and will eat what you give them without complaining. Besides, what woman doesn’t want a good cock?
__________________________________________________
Larry Star is author of Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and MSNBC’s Countdown. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com

Post Traumatic Turkey Syndrome

2005-12-03T00:32:00.000-08:00

I trust everybody had a nice Thanksgiving. It’s a really warm and fuzzy holiday, isn’t it? Only in America can you sit down to a great dinner with friends and family professing your love for the world one day, and beat the shit out of the guy that took Wal-Mart’s last iPod Nano from your shopping cart the next.

Ah, the Holidays. It’s such a lovely time of year. From Thanksgiving to New Year’s Eve; five weeks in our lives where we just go off the freaking deep end. We start out the five weeks spending hundreds of dollars on turkey and ham dinners. Afterwards, we complain that we spent too much, we made too much, we ate too much, and if we eat one more goddamn leftover turkey sandwich during the week we’ll throw up all over our keyboards. Then, approximately four weeks later, we are ecstatic to do it all over again.

With every Thanksgiving feast across the country, there is always one guy (usually it’s Uncle Monty), who automatically becomes a chemical engineer and starts spewing the effects of tryptophane on the brain. But, what gives us Americans our 40-day dementia is not the tryptophane. It’s actually another little known chemical called triptothemall. This is when the trouble starts.

We will buy anything and everything for people we don’t even like. During the year we will drive around for an hour searching for gas that is a penny cheaper, or not biggie size the Wendy’s because the 49 freaking cents doesn’t fit into our budget, but we will charge our credit cards up to the max to give people expensive crap they will never, ever use. You see? Dementia. Can you tell me why the hell you bought Grandma “Grand Theft Auto?” She doesn’t even have a goddamn Playstation.

Our psychotic behavior continues when we go to get that beloved icon of Xmas, The Tree. Forty-seven weeks out of the year we support Greenpeace, spout our concerns over global warming, and preach to all about the effects of losing the rainforest. But once the post T-Day Delirium sets in, we go to the nearest woodlands and chop down the biggest freaking tree we see that will fit in our living room. Then, as if this craziness wasn’t enough, we will wrap this dead piece of wood and its drying leaves, with thousands of hot, little, electric lights and cords. And to top it off, where do we put this nice, pretty fire hazard? Next to the fucking fireplace. How’s that for idiocy?

So, the week after the tree fire, the gift tossing, and second expensive turkey-pooping feast, what do we do? We culminate the lunacy of this five-week festival with picking the last day of the year to get schnockered, shout epithets at Dick Clark, and make asses out of ourselves to the world. There is nothing like starting the year out with a giblet-induced upset stomach and the hangover from hell.

I don’t know about you, but this is my favorite time of year.

Happy Dementia,
~Larry

PS: A bit of advice - exchange Grandma’s Playstation game for a tennis racquet. She’ll love it. But, remind her not to jump the net. She could break a hip.

Nine Reasons to Run

2005-11-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

Hi, there. Remember me? No? Oh, I’m sure you do. I’m the guy that tried to auction off his ex’s wedding dress on eBay. That was the auction that went ‘round the world. That’s right, that’s me.

I’ve never realized that there were so many guys out there who wanted relationship advice (and didn’t give a poop about the source of said advice) until all the emails from that auction started pouring in. Whether they were getting married, divorced, or just met that special someone and wanted to date again, men were looking for guidance and advice to help them with there own relationships. I was thrust into the role of leader of, what I like to call, Generation-Ex (Wife).

There seemed to be a theme with a majority of the questions I received: What signs should I look for that will tell me my new girlfriend is a mental case?

So, rather than answer those emails one at a time, I figured I would just post some handy-dandy new date tips right here. There’s no need to thank me.

Here’s the scenario: You’ve just met that new honey. You’ve been out on the town once or twice. You’ve had a great time. You’d even go so far as to tell your buddies you two are dating.

You both are on your best behavior in the beginning weeks of your relationship. Your sensuality is heightened. Your sex drive is cruising on the Autobahn, and you throw caution to the wind because, as they say, love is blind.

But, what happens when the honeymoon is over and you see her for what she really is? Most of the time you’re too invested in the relationship—in terms of money, time, or your heart—so it’s too late to turn back. You have to forge ahead—miserably, I might add—to try to make it work.

Here are nine red flags to look for in the beginning stages of your relationship that will let you know you should bail out quickly because that chick you’re with might not have all her marbles.

1. Your girlfriend’s car. If she never lets you in, or even near, her car, it’s a sure sign she’s hiding something. Do some reconnaissance and see if you girlfriend has any of the following. If she does, it’s time to drive away.

-More than one child car seat
-One of those DUI blow-thingies on the dashboard
-More than a handful of Cheerios or french fries on the floor
-Some kind of large animal cage

2. What she packs for a camping trip. She said in her online ad that she loves the outdoors and loves to go camping. You think, “Coo-uhl! A chick that loves what I love!” But you won’t think it’s too cool when she brings her curling iron, a pair of pumps, and a toe callous file on your fishing trip. Take the hook out of her mouth and throw her back. Now.

3. If your girlfriend says she absolutely hates her mother. We’ve all been there, guys. There is really no need to elaborate. This one has “Crazy Person” written all over it.

4. If your girlfriend says she absolutely adores her mother. See Number 3.

5. Dancing. You take her dancing because that’s what she wants and you want to make her happy, even though it isn’t your thing. Very gallant of you. But, when you come back from the bar with her Cosmopolitan and your Guinness stout, she’s out whooping it up on the dance floor with another chick pretending to be a lesbian. Toss the Cosmo, slam the beer, and head for the nearest video store to rent the latest Anne Heche flick.

6. Her pets. You like her cats, you love her dogs, and her reptiles are cool. But, if she encourages facial tongue baths from any or all of her menagerie of critters, just tell her you are not into interracial orgies, especially with a boa. (Disregard this if her boa is of the fuchsia, feathery kind and she’s willing to do her Ginger Grant impression.)

7. Referring to your family in the familial tense. You introduce your new date to your parents and from that moment forward she calls your mother “mom” and your father “dad.” The last straw should come when, after meeting him for the first time, she invites your Uncle Harold over just so she could pull his finger. Need I say more?

8. Karaoke. You take your date out to a karaoke bar because you think it would be fun to scream something by AC/DC. You try to coax her into getting up there to sing, but she is adamant about just wanting to sit there and watch. You come back from the bathroom just in time to see her up on stage with her arm around the only gay man in the joint belting out a Liza Minnelli show tune. You better dump her now, because it’s obvious you would never live up to her high standards.

9. Cussing up a storm. Some guys like chicks that pepper their sentences with just the right amount of vulgarity. But, when your date makes a Tourette's-afflicted utterance sound like a nursery rhyme, it’s time to throw in the freakin’ towel.

10. Bob the Builder/Mr. Mom.* If, within the first few weeks of your relationship, your sweetie asks you to hang a chandelier, caulk the tub, crawl under the house, climb on the roof, fix this, remove that, sand, tape and paint one or more rooms (including the garage), babysit any or all of her or her girlfriend’s children, go grocery shopping, cook dinner, mow the lawn, or take out the garbage—and you do it—you should just resign yourself from having any sort of a fun-filled existence and consider yourself a “husband.” She certainly will.

* This last one isn’t a sign that she is a mental case. It’s a sign that you are.
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Larry Star is author of Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com